Hey folks, it's certainly been a little while since I've written a proper blog post. So here's a quick catch up on what's been happening in the last few months.
I made some new friends, one in particular that I get along with so well, I played some gigs, The Savages even got to play a "full band show" with our old drummer who flew in from Perth especially for something else, and just happened to have the time to play a show, I have kept my diet up and am down a little over 8 kilos now (I've still got a long way to go, but it's a pretty decent start I think) And I've cut way back on my facebook usage.
That last one leads me into the subject of this here blog entry.
Once again, that whole confidence thing that I talked about a few months ago is something that I'm still having problems with. So much so that I'm worried that I may have screwed up a budding friendship with a really great person.
I should tell a bit of back story here right? Well, without naming any names or getting too specific, I made a new friend in the last couple of months, and we get along amazingly well. We bonded over some similar circumstances and just clicked. You know what I mean.. you meet someone and you just click instantly? That. That's what happened.
The problem is, this new friend of mine is a much busier person than me, and frequently goes on trips to melbourne, along with working, and doing all the things most people do. So sometimes it can be hard to get in contact with them. Which, I totally understand and I'm not complaining about it at all. People lead busy lives. I tend not to, but that doesn't give me the right to be like "hey.. why didn't you message me back straight away?"
So, here's my problem. My new friend, let's call her Alice because I'm sick of using pronouns, and plus, Milla Jovovich plays Alice in Resident Evil and she kicks ass. Anyway, Alice has had some hard times lately from what I can gather, but I think because our friendship is still new, she hasn't felt comfortable really talking to me about it, which again, I totally understand. I had some rough times last year, and there was only one friend I felt comfortable talking to candidly about it all, and really, there's still not many people I'll totally open up to when it comes to hard times.
But of course, that didn't stop me from acting like a moron.
Now, when I say moron, I don't mean I said something really dumb, or went totally crazy, and honestly, this could all just be in my head, and I could just be somehow picking the worst time to text Alice lately. Bad timing seems to be the theme with me lately. I met a girl one week too late and she met someone else in between our two dates, a girl told me she thinks I'm great but she'd just gotten out of a relationship with a guy called David, who even LOOKED like me... I even started talking to a girl who was leaving like 2 days later to go on holiday for a month. Just bad timing.
On the plus side, I have a hell of a lot of new songs written.
But back to the story. Really all that's happened is that I haven't heard from Alice in about two weeks. The problem is, I've sent her half a dozen messages in that time, and haven't got a response. Now like I said, my logical brain tells me that's most likely because A: she's not comfortable talking to me at the moment because of what's going on in her life (which, as I said, I completely relate to), and B: I'm picking bad times to text.
But the problem is, and this is the real thing for me, I would text her, get no response, and start this cycle of thinking that goes something like "Oh, she probably hasn't read it/wait, she must have read it, I just saw her online on facebook/she mustn't want to reply to me/oh I'll just say hi on facebook now/ok now I know she saw that message, facebook tells me so/why didn't she reply?/oh man I've screwed this up, I should text her and say sorry/wait no I can't do that, it's too soon/but if I don't talk to her she'll forget about me and we won't be friends/I have to keep in touch otherwise the friendship won't last.
And there is the problem. Last year I felt like I'd lost a really good friend who I have known for about 15 years, because I decided to stop putting all the effort into my friendship with her, and we lost touch. I think that's part of it at least. I feel like, especially with new friendships, I need to keep in regular contact or I'll lose the friend.
But, it's more than that, because I'm not like that with every person I meet. Something's different with Alice. It may be that because I really feel that great connection that I really want us to be friends, and I don't want to lose what we were building. It may be that I feel like I don't have many close friends these days, and want to hold on to those friendships that feel close and good.
I really can't put my finger on what it is, but I know that it definitely has to do with my complete lack of self confidence. I feel like I'm not good enough for Alice, that I have to prove myself worthy to be her friend, and I find myself thinking "why would she want to be friends with me?". And yes, I know that way of thinking is not great, but I can't seem to get away from it. I'm sure she doesn't think like that, and I don't really know why I do.
Well, I mean that's not totally true, I do know where it stems from. But I feel like I should be past all that stuff by now. It's almost been three full years since then.
And a totally separate part of me thinks that I'm just being an idiot and paranoid and that I shouldn't worry about it, and I should do what feels right.
I just don't know which side of me is winning right now.
What I do know is that I really hope I haven't made Alice feel like she doesn't want to be my friend any more. She's a pretty great person, and it makes me sad to know she's having a hard time at the moment. We may have only met a couple of months ago, but my life is better for her being in it, and if that changes, it will most definitely suck.
So that's it, I just needed a place to get all this stuff off of my chest without it being too specific or anything.
Wait, some positive news to end this. That's a good idea right?
I have my first solo gig for 9 months coming up this Thursday night! I'm really excited about it, as well as a bit nervous, but I feel like it's going to go well. As I said earlier, I've been writing a lot of new stuff, so it'll be fun to show off some new material. Let's just hope I have a somewhat decent crowd there to listen to me.
Here's the promo video I made for the show:
Also today I bought, for the first time in a long time, some new music DVDS. I'd gone into JB Hifi to pre-order a new xbox game, but walked out with 4 new DVDS. Nirvana Live at Reading, Iron Maiden: Maiden England 88, Johnny Cash live in Denmark, and End of the Century: The Story of the Ramones (which is an amazing documentary).
Oh and I forgot to pre-order the game. Smart stuff huh?
Also I've recently purchased a new video camera and Tablet, so from now on, I'll be able to play Angry Birds on a bigger screen and then make a full HD video blog about it.
Good times!
That's it folks, thanks for reading, sorry it was mostly a downer.
There's really only one thing left to say.
WRESTLEMANIA TOMORROW BABY! 21-0
And I'm done.
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